I was really entertained when I heard a great message on singleness last night. The title, I thought, was "single and lonely?" but I would have renamed it "an introduction to approaching singleness" because I felt like it only scratched the surface.
The speaker did a great job of approaching the topic with humour and humanity. But I felt the message was aimed at people between the age of 18 and 25. He maintained that if you are single you can focus on eternity and our future in God, which is very true. I totally agree.
And you can do that for a few years.
And it's good.
But what about after 40 and still single...having done all those things.
Single and lonely? I would have liked to hear that message.
I couldn't help looking around and seeing so many older singles in our church who are still looking for a partner and thinking he didn't really address their concerns-- our concerns.
Maybe the topic is just too big. And besides...who wants to talk about the desperation of a single person approaching mid-life and thinking "will I always be alone..???" and the disappointment of realizing life isn't turning out the way I thought it would. It's easy to be optimistic in your 20's and thinking "I still have time,"and then approaching 30's and thinking "it will turn out right somehow, hang on to hope!" and then entering your 40's thinking "what's wrong with me???"
I'm not one of those women who ever focused on marriage as a young person. I was definitely living for the future and thinking of what I could do for the kingdom. I used to get impatient with women in their 20's who were desperate to get married. I was living my life and pursuing my dreams and definitely not waiting for a man to fill that space. If he came along, great--but I wasn't waiting around.
But what about the men and women just like me who focused on eternity in their 20's and 30's and still find themselves wondering what the next 20 or 30 years are going to look like if they never get married...? It's a sobering thought. The kind that could make you cry yourself to sleep at night if you dwell on it too long.
It's not something we talk about much in the church and yet I can tell you the truth---I know it's on our minds. And from the many profiles I see on Christian dating sites from my own church... I know that not everyone is thinking their singleness is this great gift from God to focus on eternity.
There is real pain here.
Because for all Paul's assertions that "it is good for them(unmarried people) if they remain even as I. (1 Cor 7:8) we have to go back to what God originally intended.
It is not good for the man to be alone...(Gen. 2:18)
So in case you're thinking you're going crazy in your singleness...TAKE HEART. God never intended us to be alone. He designed marriage and the truth is...very few of us are called to be single.
When I have heard speakers talk about this in YWAM, they have often said "there are a lot of disobedient men out there..." because let's face it-- there are more single women than men. And when you join YWAM, the numbers of gorgeous, spirit-filled, vibrant and strong women out there increases ten times--and too many of them single.
And then we ask the question "where are the men??"
But let me get back to my point. Regardless of how I struggle with this issue, the truth remains that God is able to make all grace abound to us. And what I mean by that... is that He can give the strength and ability to face any situation, no matter how abnormal or unnatural--and I believe that singleness is not God's intention for most of us. It feels really abnormal and unnatural because I don't believe it's what God wanted for us--and yet here we are--struggling through life in all its imperfections.
So in the midst of it all...this is my confession of faith:
God can meet us even here.
Here in my loneliness, God is greater. Here in my 'unnatural state' (smile)-- God is at my side.
God is still the God of the impossible.
So I want to hang on HOPE and keep speaking the truth of who God is. I have met so many older women who gave up at some point. They left their desire to be married with God and got on with life but they stopped praying into this area.
Seek and you will find...knock and the door will be opened...
I think there is something to be said for perseverance... not desperation, but perseverance...
I don't want to stop asking God for something good I believe He has for me. I want to feed myself on the amazing possibilities and the greatness of God. I've started praying more fervently in this area with a friend. I'm not giving up. I'm asking, seeking and knocking. Are you? I'm not talking about murmuring, grumbling or complaining :) That's different!
Meanwhile, I need to work on my relational circle.
This was another issue the speaker brought up last night--this fact that singles wouldn't be so lonely if there were better relationships happening around them-- more of a community in churches. I have coffee with married women but I am rarely invited into families... maybe people don't realize I need family, too. I have to work on making my needs known because people rarely see me as a needy person.
Maybe it's more poignant for me being far away from my home country, my home town and any family. Most people in this city haven't known me longer than three years. I can't tell you how embarrassing it can be for me to invite myself over for holidays but sometimes I can't bear spending it alone. Everyone else who is single goes home on holidays and weekends. I can't exactly nip back to California for Easter...makes it more challenging!
The thing is we do have an aging population of single people in our churches. There's no getting around it. I would love to hear a message addressing this audience specifically. In the meantime, these are some of my honest thoughts and struggles.
Come on single friends! Let's not give up.
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Excellent article, Lisa! Thanks for sharing your heart. I have not read anything so down-to-earth and real.......ever......in addressing the issue of Christian singles without the usual cliche comments. It's an issue seldom talked about in the church. We're on the same page here though......Asking, Seeking, Knocking. Yes, let's not give up hope!
ReplyDelete- Lynn
Thanks for this comment, Lynn :) That's very encouraging! May your asking and seeking and knocking be fruitful :) lisa
ReplyDeleteOh wow!! Thank you so much. This puts things into words, not just "cheer up you will be okay", but yes "it's lonely and painful a lot of the time, but God is still good". So thank you. I am 32, but I was one of those girls that longed for a life long relationship from a very early age. I so agree with you that we need to talk about this more in the church. And also about our sexuality. God did create us with that need, but it is being unmet when we are unmarried. I so believe sex is intended within marriage, but that doesn't mean that it is not hard for us as we get older. And most teaching out there on sex is for youngsters, and all we talk about is that we are saving ourselves for that special somebody. But what if he never comes? What do I do? Anyways. Thank you so much for being so open. God bless and yes let's keep asking!
ReplyDeleteFrom another fellow YWAMer :)
I love when people are open and honest. Thank you for sharing and addressing a topic that few want to/have the courage to address. (except those who give a religious one). I believe singleness would be less painful and lonely, if we were invited into families as you write about. It is a topic with many aspects...
ReplyDeleteThanks Astrid and "The Dane" ;) it is a complex subject isn't it? Not easy but let's keep talking about it, bringing it into the light and allowing God's people to walk with us in this process :)
ReplyDeleteTake heart and keep, keeping on. I married at 30, largely because I jumped when I shouldn't have, as I was the last of my family of 4 to get married and was scared I'd be left on the shelf. At the time, I thought it was a whirlwind romance and God's will for my life etc. but you can twist things in your mind to make it God's will even if it isn't! Turns out the guy wasn't nearly as committed to Christian things as I was and I believe I have had to settle for second best -- divorcing and remarrying and my current spouse is backslidden and drinks too much. There are far, far worse things than being a single YWAMMER!! Yes, it can be lonely but it can be lonely being married too if you aren't on the same page and can't pray together and have oneness in other ways. So, yes, keep praying and keep your eyes open but don't get fooled into thinking a relationship is the be all and end all and sell yourself short!
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ReplyDeleteThis is not an easy topic.......I see older single people and see the struggle. I don't have an easy answer. I was single till I was 46 Many of the questions you have I also tried to deal with.
ReplyDeleteIts very brave what you have written and its this kind of honesty which is very much needed. If mission leaders were more pro active in matchmaking there may well be fewer lonely single people on the mission field. God, uses the family unit to bless the world......I have seen this happen when Godly Christian couples are operating in their calling. But how many singles are there in missions as opposed to married couples? The expense for married couples is much greater - and that is a big challenge. Some religions know exactly how powerful the family unit is, and are using this to dominate communities. 100 - 150 years ago it was normal for Christians to have large families, but that is no longer the case. So how is the church going to confront the threat of militant religions in communities? While at the same time many Christian missionaries are single people desperate to find a mate? How is the Church or missions going to survive if it doesn't know how to help the singles? or support married couples called to missions?
Earlier this year we met a couple how visited us.....The lady was a long time friend of my wife. My wife has been in missions for years. My wife's friend told us how a long time ago she decided she would not go into missions, because of the way she saw missionaries treated by their churches. At the same time she made a promise to God, that if He prospered them She would start a ministry helping the poor. After many years hard graft.....God has indeed blessed and prospered the work of their hands, so much so.....they have enough to live on plus start the ministry my wife's friend so longed to create. Its a neat story.......But we didn't dare tell our friends what we have gone through.