Marriage or Career?

Did I choose a carreer over marriage and family?

This was a question that haunted me the winter of 2011 going into my sabbatical of 2012.   Those few months were what I can only describe as a mid-life crisis. Life hadn't turned out the way I thought it would and I kept asking myself "How did I get here?"  

I was feeling alone and lost. I questioned everything--even whether I had ever heard God about anything I had done up to that point. Almost everything made me cry in that season; I was in such an emotional upheaval. I was aware of TIME and getting old and my parents' aging process. I was aware of the loss of my youth.  I was aware of my alone-ness. I felt like I was upside-down, underwater at night trying to get my bearings. Nothing was making sense.

I persevered... and out of that time, my sabbatical eventually led me forward. I needed to find my passion again. I stopped trying to serve everyone else' ministry and did only things that brought me life.  Out of that I pioneered the Burn 24-7 in York and a prophecy course with a friend of mine at our church. Things started to get more clear.

It was out of that season I became more convinced that my life didn't have to fit into anyone's box. I think that was my main conclusion coming out of that season. Isn't it interesting how much we compare our lives with the 'average,' but average has never really been my goal.

I know now that I was asking the wrong question when I was encountering my crisis five years ago. I think it's ok to question everything but to make it as simple as choosing one over another was too simplistic. My life has been made up of a million little choices, and there are some values undergirding my process. 

I didn't choose a career over marriage. 

I chose PURPOSE and meaning in life.  I had never been concerned that my life was different to so many others.  Even now it remains out of the box.  Most people my age have kids. I don't. A lot of people have houses and cars and retirements. I don't have much. 

The most important thing for me, I  realize now, is that I need my life to mean something for eternity.  I crave knowing that what I do and where I go is in the heart of God. 

I know this with sharper clarity now because since getting engaged...the question on the edge of my heart has been "where are we going?" And "what now, Lord?"

You would think I would just enjoy a time of 'marital bliss," but I am not one to sit still for too long. I like taking breaks and resting but I want to know what is coming.  I know we are working on our marriage right now as well. This is no small thing.  We are doing lots of fun things together and I make sure we have quality time but if Michael didn't have a kingdom mindset, this would never have worked. I should add marriage is much harder than I thought it would be, and I am grateful for the time to process it all. It's a lot more fun to have someone there for you all the time and someone available-- family.   At the same time, it comes with all the inconveniences that family brings! Just because you're married, doesn't mean you don't get cranky in the morning. It also means that you can't just 'check out' any time you want. It's an adjustment at 47 but it has also brought some surprising clarity. Why was something I've wanted for so long not enough? 

I've been feeling uneasy lately, like I'm wearing the wrong size shoes.

When I drove to Pasadena house of prayer a few weeks ago for a retreat day, God was speaking to me.  The name of the university first captured my attention: William Carey... missions!  It was like a small explosion went off in my heart:  a longing again to be in the nations.

When I stepped into Mott Auditorium where the house of prayer is held, I found myself crying as I looked at the maps on the wall. The team up the front were praying for Iraq and I joined them. I felt like I was home.

I didn't choose a career over marriage-- I chose God's call above all else. I chose listening to His voice and this drive for intentionality and purpose in everything I do.

I don't know why it took so long to find a partner in life, but it did.  All I know is that this was never meant to be an 'end' but just a part of the journeying God has us on.

What I choose is God every day. I choose His will. I choose His voice. There is nothing more satisfying to me than to be in His will and walking with Him. No other person can do that for me than the one who made me.

Life is hard--whether single or married-- and the other thing I know for sure--is that two of us is also not enough. 

I crave community. It's not easy to find here. I keep inviting people over. I keep sending texts and trying to connect with people but we live in an individualistic society. I heard in a recent Tim Keller message that 80 percent of Americans believe they can have a spiritual life outside of community.

I have been feeling STIRRED for months.  So I contacted some friends I have in Berlin in June...just days after getting engaged. I wanted to know if they had room in their communal house for a couple like us? I didn't hear back from them right away but when I did they said they were encouraged and felt like it might be right and "let's keep in touch..."

So that began my journey back to Berlin which is no longer on my own...but with my wonderful husband who has been a beautiful gift.

As I said before...it's not easy but it's all worth it. It's not easy leaving a comfortable place but I must be honest--my discomfort here outweighs any discomfort in leaving. God has called me to the nations. That has not changed.  What is so fantastic is that Michael's first major in college was music in missions.  God has created him with a desire to go out as well--and he has an adaptability that is remarkable. He fits wherever he is because God made him that way and that's why God brought us together.

Talk about not fitting into a box--I call Michael my "Rebekah" because he is willing to go to a place he has never been. He has never been to Germany but he feels it's God's will to go with me there--just like when Rebekah left everything to follow Isaac's servant in the Bible to a place she had never been. His trust in God is beautiful.

So I have hope today in what God can do. And I have more of a 'settledness" as I process all these things and the path that has led me to this place.  

I feel like I came back to the USA to find a husband. This is in line with a word I got from a friend (even though we teach not to prophesy about marriage!) where he had an impression my husband was based in the USA-- and he cited the story of Isaac getting a wife from his home country. So you see why he is my Rebekah :)

So here we are... ready to leave everything behind and to set out to Berlin, Germany which is one of the hardest places I've ever lived--so hard I told friends and family I wouldn't go back without a husband.

We have to raise an outrageous amount of monthly support, and finances to move and go into this unknown, but God knows our needs. I keep looking up and I find what I need from heaven. Yesterday I cried out to God again in the Pasadena house of prayer. I cried through my worship slot "God I look to you...I won't be overwhelmed...give me wisdom to see things like you do, " and "you split the sea so I could walk right through it...my fears were drowned in perfect love."  Jesus remains my anchor and my hope and my all in all. 

God is able to do more--no, IMMEAURABLY more, than we think or imagine.

What I've learned from my Singleness

A couple years ago I wrote a blog post called  "Single and lonely?" that captured the hearts of singletons like myself everywhere-- mainly because it was a brutal look at me and what it means to be single as a Christian in the church.
(you can find that on my October 28th post in 2013)

After several failed relationships--mostly beginning in my late 30's when I had an epiphany about my solitude and celibacy-- I met Michael Dimmitt on January 29th this year. We got engaged June 2 and are getting married in 29 days on September 3.

I have always known that I would get married quickly after meeting the right guy. It's just how I'm wired--too much passion and not very patient-which is WHY it's been so hard to wait for the right guy!

But I'm getting ahead of myself. What I want to share with you is what I've learned from my many mistakes along the way in this incredible and long journey...

1)  Marriage is not the end, it's a new start.

I didn't have this problem when I was younger-- I was too focused on getting to know God better and trying to seek His will for my life. But as I got older, and the community of people in my age group thinned out-- I began to think the thing 'missing' in my life was a romantic relationship. We can get fixated on this and begin to believe this is the 'answer' to that emptiness or longing. 

As women, there is a part of us that wants to be taken care of by another. But truthfully, we need to learn our own self-care in God. We need to learn how to receive love and purpose from God. We also need to know who we are--what our gifts are--what special part we have in God's plan--apart from a relationship. This is just what it means to be human and alive, and we need to enjoy it for as long as we have it, and live our lives fully and completely.

We need to bring a full and thriving person to the table when we join our lives with someone else because we get to share our full selves with that other person. 

So it's important to keep being the best possible you that you can be! It's a time to get out there and travel, go to parties, ride our bike, take long walks, and discover ourselves. ENJOY YOUR LIFE AS A SINGLE! 

2)  Don't settle for second best.

Sometimes if we haven't dated for a while, we can get 'mystical' about who and how we meet our partners. I think I did this with my last relationship. This guy came from nowhere and the way he pursued me was so amazing that I immediately jumped to conclusions about him being "the one." Oh, and about 'the one' kind of thinking-- you need to let go of it.  It's very hard to hear God about romance. It's something that becomes more clear over time and prayer and asking people around you what they think as well.  Someone asked me if the last guy I dated was 'the one' and I told them I didn't think that was a helpful way to look at it. It's a life choice that God makes with us but he doesn't force us into anything. We make the choice with God. 

It takes a while to get to know people. We can't make those kind of 'Mr. Right" judgments in the first few weeks. As quick as it was with Michael and I,  we went through quite a process. I had lots of questions for him about who he was, where he was going and how he got to where he was. I wasn't taking anything for granted after my last experience.  Everyone puts their best foot forward in the first three months of a relationship. But no one can maintain a facade. It's important to 'do the time' and let the relationship simmer before making any huge decisions or giving our hearts away.

An important side-note for you radical Christians:  we can't settle for someone who isn't as much after God as we are. We can love and appreciate how God made a man for who he is but we don't have to marry them if they are not as on for God as we are! Sometimes as women we want to have compassion for the guy who is 'not quite there' spiritually. But if we have to drag them into prayer or to Christian events-- I would say it's time to say 'bye bye.'  This will not change. Either they have a heart after God now or they never will. And remember--you are seeing their best face now. It's not going to get any better than it is right now so don't settle for less than all God has for you. Trust me-- I have lived this and made the mistake of thinking the guy would change or grow in God. God has someone better for you than the guy who is mediocre to lukewarm in their faith-- just like He had someone better for me.

3) There is nothing wrong with you.

As time goes by and you're not married--it's easy to think the problem is with you. There was a subtle lie in my family that no one would ever love me unless I was thin.  It's probably true that there are fewer men who would be attracted to me as a heavier woman-- but what you believe about you is probably the most important thing about you! If you are confident and growing, that is a very attractive quality! 

There is someone for everyone. I am so in love with Michael because he has everything I value most in a man. He's smart, kind, fun, interesting, strong--and we have so much in common! I also find him physically attractive and he feels the same about me. I have yet to meet a guy where our interests are more aligned.  And yet we are very different and compliment each other. Michael is way more people-oriented and less time conscious. I am all about the task and he is all about the people.

You are a wonderful masterpiece and God can bring someone into your life that sees that! Don't believe lies about you. They only rob your joy and make you feel bad about you. God says you are beautifully and wonderfully made. It's time to believe it. 

Here's the thing. If you don't stop believing lies now, they will only affect or sabotage any future relationships.  Even with Michael...I have had to do some deep cleaning of lies I believe about myself that are preventing me from receiving his love! These lies don't disappear when you meet someone...only you have the power to change them in God. It's better to do it now and enjoy peace with God and greater freedom in our relationship with Him--and greater love with others.

4. Don't stop growing in God and in community.

I am never more aware that God is the greatest love of my life than when I am in a relationship because it is SO clear that my guy cannot meet all my needs. God is there to be the helper, comforter and friend. The Holy Spirit is the only one who can meet our deepest needs and make us more like Himself. Don't neglect your intimacy with God because it's the only way to deal with loneliness! Worship is an important part of my life for connecting with God in intimacy.

And He is also faithful to put the lonely in families. We have to remember God has a place for all of us and a way of meeting our needs for connection and family even as singles. We just have to keep growing-- stop complaining and start cultivating relationships. Go to home groups, find a prayer partner, invite a friend out to lunch...get a mentor in your life and keep growing into the person God wants you to be! 

I learned a few years ago to surround myself with wonderful people. Because I have moved so much, I am always on a hunt for older women who can speak into my life and families I can connect with--and girlfriends I can share my heart with.  This is something I have to be active about. It rarely comes to you on a platter--it's something you have to go out and ask for and GET. We can get really passive about this and think everyone else has a wonderful life and friends and family--but self-pity never helped anyone. We need to put the 'woe is me' attitude to rest and get moving.

5. Don't stop asking God for a mate.

One of the most frightening things I have heard from single women is "I gave my desire to God to be married and left it with him..." and those people who say such things are all STILL SINGLE even in their 60's and 70's.

I am not going to stop asking God for anything. The bible says 'ask and keep on asking....knock, and KEEP ON KNOCKING...!" Don't give up. There is something to be said for perseverance and bringing our desires to God continually.  The righteous cry out and the Lord hears!

He hears you!

I just want to encourage you. I sometimes have lamented that I met Michael so late in life...I am about to turn 47 and Michael is turning 52 today. I sometimes say "we are so old!" and he reassures me that we have a lot of good years left.

But here we are... God has saved the best wine for last. This is not the 'perfect' relationship. We have to work on stuff--both of us individually and together--and we are bringing a lifetime of hurts and painful experiences to the table. But we are here. And God is faithful to provide, and I am delighted with God's provision.

Will you believe God for his provision for you?