Marriage or Career?

Did I choose a carreer over marriage and family?

This was a question that haunted me the winter of 2011 going into my sabbatical of 2012.   Those few months were what I can only describe as a mid-life crisis. Life hadn't turned out the way I thought it would and I kept asking myself "How did I get here?"  

I was feeling alone and lost. I questioned everything--even whether I had ever heard God about anything I had done up to that point. Almost everything made me cry in that season; I was in such an emotional upheaval. I was aware of TIME and getting old and my parents' aging process. I was aware of the loss of my youth.  I was aware of my alone-ness. I felt like I was upside-down, underwater at night trying to get my bearings. Nothing was making sense.

I persevered... and out of that time, my sabbatical eventually led me forward. I needed to find my passion again. I stopped trying to serve everyone else' ministry and did only things that brought me life.  Out of that I pioneered the Burn 24-7 in York and a prophecy course with a friend of mine at our church. Things started to get more clear.

It was out of that season I became more convinced that my life didn't have to fit into anyone's box. I think that was my main conclusion coming out of that season. Isn't it interesting how much we compare our lives with the 'average,' but average has never really been my goal.

I know now that I was asking the wrong question when I was encountering my crisis five years ago. I think it's ok to question everything but to make it as simple as choosing one over another was too simplistic. My life has been made up of a million little choices, and there are some values undergirding my process. 

I didn't choose a career over marriage. 

I chose PURPOSE and meaning in life.  I had never been concerned that my life was different to so many others.  Even now it remains out of the box.  Most people my age have kids. I don't. A lot of people have houses and cars and retirements. I don't have much. 

The most important thing for me, I  realize now, is that I need my life to mean something for eternity.  I crave knowing that what I do and where I go is in the heart of God. 

I know this with sharper clarity now because since getting engaged...the question on the edge of my heart has been "where are we going?" And "what now, Lord?"

You would think I would just enjoy a time of 'marital bliss," but I am not one to sit still for too long. I like taking breaks and resting but I want to know what is coming.  I know we are working on our marriage right now as well. This is no small thing.  We are doing lots of fun things together and I make sure we have quality time but if Michael didn't have a kingdom mindset, this would never have worked. I should add marriage is much harder than I thought it would be, and I am grateful for the time to process it all. It's a lot more fun to have someone there for you all the time and someone available-- family.   At the same time, it comes with all the inconveniences that family brings! Just because you're married, doesn't mean you don't get cranky in the morning. It also means that you can't just 'check out' any time you want. It's an adjustment at 47 but it has also brought some surprising clarity. Why was something I've wanted for so long not enough? 

I've been feeling uneasy lately, like I'm wearing the wrong size shoes.

When I drove to Pasadena house of prayer a few weeks ago for a retreat day, God was speaking to me.  The name of the university first captured my attention: William Carey... missions!  It was like a small explosion went off in my heart:  a longing again to be in the nations.

When I stepped into Mott Auditorium where the house of prayer is held, I found myself crying as I looked at the maps on the wall. The team up the front were praying for Iraq and I joined them. I felt like I was home.

I didn't choose a career over marriage-- I chose God's call above all else. I chose listening to His voice and this drive for intentionality and purpose in everything I do.

I don't know why it took so long to find a partner in life, but it did.  All I know is that this was never meant to be an 'end' but just a part of the journeying God has us on.

What I choose is God every day. I choose His will. I choose His voice. There is nothing more satisfying to me than to be in His will and walking with Him. No other person can do that for me than the one who made me.

Life is hard--whether single or married-- and the other thing I know for sure--is that two of us is also not enough. 

I crave community. It's not easy to find here. I keep inviting people over. I keep sending texts and trying to connect with people but we live in an individualistic society. I heard in a recent Tim Keller message that 80 percent of Americans believe they can have a spiritual life outside of community.

I have been feeling STIRRED for months.  So I contacted some friends I have in Berlin in June...just days after getting engaged. I wanted to know if they had room in their communal house for a couple like us? I didn't hear back from them right away but when I did they said they were encouraged and felt like it might be right and "let's keep in touch..."

So that began my journey back to Berlin which is no longer on my own...but with my wonderful husband who has been a beautiful gift.

As I said before...it's not easy but it's all worth it. It's not easy leaving a comfortable place but I must be honest--my discomfort here outweighs any discomfort in leaving. God has called me to the nations. That has not changed.  What is so fantastic is that Michael's first major in college was music in missions.  God has created him with a desire to go out as well--and he has an adaptability that is remarkable. He fits wherever he is because God made him that way and that's why God brought us together.

Talk about not fitting into a box--I call Michael my "Rebekah" because he is willing to go to a place he has never been. He has never been to Germany but he feels it's God's will to go with me there--just like when Rebekah left everything to follow Isaac's servant in the Bible to a place she had never been. His trust in God is beautiful.

So I have hope today in what God can do. And I have more of a 'settledness" as I process all these things and the path that has led me to this place.  

I feel like I came back to the USA to find a husband. This is in line with a word I got from a friend (even though we teach not to prophesy about marriage!) where he had an impression my husband was based in the USA-- and he cited the story of Isaac getting a wife from his home country. So you see why he is my Rebekah :)

So here we are... ready to leave everything behind and to set out to Berlin, Germany which is one of the hardest places I've ever lived--so hard I told friends and family I wouldn't go back without a husband.

We have to raise an outrageous amount of monthly support, and finances to move and go into this unknown, but God knows our needs. I keep looking up and I find what I need from heaven. Yesterday I cried out to God again in the Pasadena house of prayer. I cried through my worship slot "God I look to you...I won't be overwhelmed...give me wisdom to see things like you do, " and "you split the sea so I could walk right through it...my fears were drowned in perfect love."  Jesus remains my anchor and my hope and my all in all. 

God is able to do more--no, IMMEAURABLY more, than we think or imagine.