Single and lonely?

I was really entertained when I heard a great message on singleness last night. The title, I thought, was "single and lonely?" but I would have renamed it "an introduction to approaching singleness" because I felt like it only scratched the surface.

The speaker did a great job of approaching the topic with humour and humanity. But I felt the message was aimed at people between the age of 18 and 25.  He maintained that if you are single you can focus on eternity and our future in God, which is very true. I totally agree.

And you can do that for a few years.

And it's good.

But what about after 40 and still single...having  done all those things.

Single and lonely?  I would have liked to hear that message.

I couldn't help looking around and seeing so many older singles in our church who are still looking for a partner and thinking he didn't really address their concerns-- our concerns.

Maybe the topic is just too big. And besides...who wants to talk about the desperation of a single person approaching mid-life and thinking "will I always be alone..???" and the disappointment of realizing life isn't turning out the way I thought it would. It's easy to be optimistic in your 20's and thinking "I still have time,"and then approaching 30's and thinking "it will turn out right somehow, hang on to hope!"  and then entering your 40's thinking  "what's wrong with me???"

I'm not one of those women who ever focused on marriage as a young person. I was definitely living for the future and thinking of what I could do for the kingdom. I used to get impatient with women in their 20's who were desperate to get married. I was living my life and pursuing my dreams and definitely not waiting for a man to fill that space. If he came along, great--but I wasn't waiting around.

But what  about the men and women just like me who focused on eternity in their 20's and 30's and still find themselves wondering what the next 20 or 30 years are going to look like if they never get married...? It's a sobering thought. The kind that could make you cry yourself to sleep at night if you dwell on it too long.

It's not something we talk about much in the church and yet I can tell you the truth---I know it's on our minds. And from the many profiles I see on Christian dating sites from my own church... I know that not everyone is thinking their singleness is this great gift from God to focus on eternity.

There is real pain here.

Because for all Paul's assertions that "it is good for them(unmarried people)  if they remain even as I. (1 Cor 7:8) we have to go back to what God originally intended.

It is not good for the man to be alone...(Gen. 2:18)

So in case you're thinking you're going crazy in your singleness...TAKE HEART. God never intended us to be alone. He designed marriage and the truth is...very few of us are called to be single.

 When I have heard speakers talk about this in YWAM, they have often said "there are a lot of disobedient men out there..." because let's face it-- there are more single women than men. And when you join YWAM, the numbers of gorgeous, spirit-filled, vibrant and strong women out there increases ten times--and too many of them single.

And then we ask the question "where are the men??"

But let me get back to my point. Regardless of how I struggle with this issue, the truth remains that God is able to make all grace abound to us. And what I mean by that... is that He can give the strength and ability to face any situation, no matter how abnormal or unnatural--and I believe that singleness is not God's intention for most of us. It feels really abnormal and unnatural because I don't believe it's what God wanted for us--and yet here we are--struggling through life in all its imperfections.

So in the midst of it all...this is my confession of faith:

God can meet us even here.

Here in my loneliness, God is greater. Here in my 'unnatural state' (smile)-- God is at my side.
God is still the God of the impossible.

So I want to hang on HOPE and keep speaking the truth of who God is. I have met so many older women who gave up at some point. They left their desire to be married  with God and got on with life but they stopped praying into this area.

Seek and you will find...knock and the door will be opened...

I think there is something to be said for perseverance... not desperation, but perseverance...

I don't want to stop asking God for something good I believe He has for me.  I want to feed myself on the amazing possibilities and the greatness of God.  I've started praying more fervently in this area with a friend. I'm not giving up. I'm asking, seeking and knocking. Are you? I'm not talking about murmuring, grumbling or complaining :) That's different!

Meanwhile, I need to work on my relational circle.

This was another issue the speaker brought up last night--this fact that singles wouldn't be so lonely if there were better relationships happening around them-- more of a community in churches. I have coffee with married women but I am rarely invited into families... maybe people don't realize I need family, too. I have to work on making my needs known because people rarely see me as a needy person.

Maybe it's more poignant for me being far away from my home country, my home town and any family. Most people in this city haven't known me longer than three years.  I can't tell you how embarrassing it can be for me to invite myself over for holidays but sometimes I can't bear spending it alone. Everyone else who is single goes home on holidays and weekends. I can't exactly nip back to California for Easter...makes it more challenging!

The thing is we do have an aging population of single people in our churches. There's no getting around it. I would love to hear a message addressing this audience specifically. In the meantime, these are some of my honest thoughts and struggles.

Come on single friends! Let's not give up.






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Taking care of yourself

I'm in a new season of taking care of myself.

Sounds a little strange to say it that way but it's true.

I'm responsible for me and to be the best me possible.

Something has been happening to me the past few months that I want to explain here and I don't have much time so forgive the mistakes and inadequacies in expressing myself.

Firstly, I've been learning to accept myself as I am. This is a huge step for me because I grew up in a really critical environment-- a fairly negative one. I have had to really learn to be positive. But I've felt for a long time that something is missing beyond optimism or being positive. 

I need to really like and love me.

I've been learning to accept myself as I am--not as I should be or would like to be...but right now.

Realizing God loves me and giving mental ascent to an idea is easy--but embracing this in our hearts and our thinking is another. God's love has always been there. His love and acceptance and reassurance that I belong have always been there. But I'm really learning to accept this to be true right now.

This gives way to my second point.

I've not been happy with my weight for a long time. I have seasons where I get a hold of this and I change but it has not been something enduring. I stumbled about some extreme weight-loss videos on youtube that have been encouraging. I watched some episodes of  "extreme weightloss makeover editions" with Chris Powell-- wow! Those have been inspiring. They've helped me to move forward in my own journey.

Realizing that I'm 44 years old (as of last month) and that my energy levels have been decreasing as my weight has been increasing is a sobering thought.

Probably for the first time--not as a means of acceptance or love or approval for anyone--not as a way to EARN love or respect from anyone else-- I am losing weight and taking care of myself for ME.

In the past, I would dread going home to California if I'd been gaining weight. I would feel a need to diet or change myself if I was going to meet up with friends or family--- because of what THEY thought.

I don't care anymore.

This is about me. This is for me. I have to take a hold of my life in order to be the best possible me I can be so I can live a long, healthy and fruitful life.

I've only been in this process a few days but I can already feel the difference. I've been exercising, eating better. The scale was a sobering moment yesterday but I'm facing these things so I can set a goal for myself over the next  year. I want to lose 50 pounds over the next year. I think it's totally possible and I feel God's encouragement and strength.

I have a renewed hope and joy in everything knowing that I'm taking a hold of this. I sense the Holy Spirit in me also rejoicing.

God is good. I look forward to the next year and all the changes!

praying for encouragement

I often listen to Graham Cooke because he speaks my language.

He's loving, he's kind, but he tells the truth--and most importantly--you can tell he hangs out with Jesus.

One thing I've heard him say more than once is "I pray for encouragment every single day" and I thought that was an interesting statement.

Makes sense. If God is our source and we depend on Him...then why not ask Him for the courage to keep going?

So I was praying on Sunday and reading scripture and I came across this one in the proverbs right away:

Without oxen a stable stays clean, but you need a strong ox for a large harvest. (Proverbs 14:4 NLT)

That made me laugh right away. I just had a sense that I am just like that ox-- big animal--not dainty or fragile-- and knew that who I am is needed for this next coming harvest--and it's defnitely coming.

That cheered my heart.  God knows I don't always feel like I fit in--but he knows how to get through. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?

I have another friend who regularly asks God for presents. I think that's a cute one.  I guess if the way you feel loved is through receiving gifts, this would be important to ask God. Here's the thing, though:  God comes through every time for her!

God is good like that. When we call on His name, He answers.

Holy Spirit, bring the encouragement we need for this day to live in Your love and to do your will with a grateful heart.

In my weakness I am strong

Last week I started getting sick…and I mean “knock out” sick---the kind where I just want to sleep forever. It’s not exactly typical for me.

By Saturday I was getting worried—it seemed to no t be improving and I was expected to lead worship at two services on Sunday…from 3:30 p.m. to 8:45 p.m. I was thinking, “will I make it?”

So I started praying with a friend and he was telling me declare healing over my life and to live by faith. I did do that. I prayed a lot but on Sunday I felt a bit dizzy.  My voice was beginning to fade. 

I decided to press through it. I even used a stool for the first service so that I could rest a bit.

But by the second service my voice was really suffering. I could barely get words out, let alone a melody by half way through it.

EVEN SO… something amazing happened.

The presence of God was probably the thickest I remember it in a long time in the church. I could sense the tangible presence of the Holy Spirit in the room. And I kept laughing. It was making me laugh that people were able to worship and go deeper regardless of the music.  Many people remarked at the JOY in the room…reminded me of Psalm 16 v. 11…  You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

In fact, people came up to me afterwards and said “I need to tell you that people were coming in off the streets because of the worship.”

 

Today my friend Fiona told me a guy came in off the street and responded to a call for prayer even though he had just come in at the end. Fiona told me there were people standing in the aisles just to hear what was going on.

There was such joy and peace in His presence. I’m really grateful God came and ministered so powerfully.

It’s not about the music at all in the end—it’s about the faith that we have in what God can do in the UNSEEN. I was trusting God to lead the worship—to go beyond my quacking and straining. In our weakness, He really wants to be the strength.

I think the bible is full of those examples…where he wants to make it clear to us that our own strength is not what gets us there.  Think of Gideon with his army,  Jericho and the walls, Joshophat and the singers….  We don’t like to be put in that place of weakness. We want to feel competent and prepared. I’m all about preparation—but in the end, it’s the impossible things I want to be asking for. I want God to be lifted high and receive the glory due His name.

 All too often without our weaknesses to keep us in check, who gets the glory? God doesn’t share glory (Isaiah 42:8) I think this is why it’s good to boast about our weakness! I guess on Sunday it was a clear example of this and I’m really grateful for that. I don’t like being sick, but I’ve been getting some good rest and I think that’s been good, too.

The Source

This morning I've been praying a lot about the future. I'm asking God for some specific things next year, and part of that has to do with finding my place in ministry and family here in this city.

It's not easy moving to a new country because there is this sense of having to muscle your way into something that is already established.

But who likes to muscle? I'd rather be invited. But invitations don't always come right away.

And yet what is my part in all that? How much does God want me to be active in faith and how much do I wait for Him to open the doors? Waiting can be a step of faith and yet how much does He want me to activate right now. I'm asking Him these things. It's not all clear.

So I've been just giving it all to Him. It's hard for me to let go. I like to think I'm in control. I love movement. I want to see things progressing so it's not so easy for me to wait.

But as I was praying this morning, God was whispering to me that He would provide at the right time. He is the source.

You see, we like to guarrantee where things are coming from. We want to fix something in place. We want to find THE way to handle things...or THE place to go or THE one person we run to. We want to rely on proven methods or proven people or proven churches.  We want things "set" for us. And yet if we do that, there is a danger of looking to THOSE things to provide for us rather than looking at God to provide for us. No one is perfect. No church is perfect. No spouse is perfect. They are all limited. 

Only God is the perfect source.

One example of how I don't have "one" source of handling things is my monthly financial support. I don't actually have enough monthly support to get me through each month and yet God always provides. I would love to find those extra supporters so I can guarantee that income...but God hasn't done it that way. I have to rely on His provision in the way He wants to do it. God always comes through. I am never in debt.

There are many things not "set" for me next year. I still haven't found a home group, I still don't feel like I have a rhythm in relationships, I still don't know what ministry is going to look like next year. I am essentially letting God meet my needs from week to week. But I've found it hard to find the one place I belong. Because there seems to be nothing that fits quite right.

Big sigh.

So God has been saying to me this morning He is the source. He is going to provide. He does it threw people, through churches, through minsitries, through friends and home groups, etc... but I need to keep my eyes on Him...not on how I think He might provide for me. My eyes are not on the HOW but on the WHO. He is the source. He will provide.

This really relaxed me today. I can get into STRIVE mode when I think that I have to make things happen. I can trust God to guide me in peace. I want to live from a place of peace and rest, don't you? It comes when we now God is the one who provides in His way, not always in the way we are thinking or would like to 'bank' on--but He does provide. We can count on Him. I've been listening to this link a lot this morning and it has helped me to remember He is all we need.

Babies

At that time Jesus said, "I praise You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and intelligent and have revealed them to infants. Yes, Father, for this way was well-pleasing in Your sight. All things have been handed over to Me by My Father; and no one knows the Son except the Father; nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and anyone to whom the Son wills to reveal Him. "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:25-30 NASB)

Our God revealed His greatness to "infants" or some translations of the bible say "babies."

Here is the thing about babies, and I'm sure you're well aware of this...they are fairly helpless. They can't do anything on their own. They are absolutely dependent on outside help to be fed, changed, and loved. They look to mom and dad for all their needs.

That is a humbling place to be and it is completely counter-culture. We still believe at some level we can achieve something outside of God's help. Haven't you heard "You do what you can and let God do the rest? My question is: where is that in the bible? My bible has Jesus quoted at saying "Apart from me you can do nothing." That's a pretty interesting statement. When I began to research that from John 15, I realized that Jesus meant ... if we want our fruit to remain--if we want the works of our hands to LAST, we can't do it without Him. We can do something and it may be here for a season but it's not going to stand the test of time. It won't endure to the end.

We need God.

So lately in the church I hear a lot of messages about "working hard" and "discipline."

Now, let me just say right off the bat, I believe in a high work ethic and I try to be diligent and thorough in my work.

 However, I don't think I would ever teach a message that would make "working hard" the emphasis. When  I do that, I am addressing the  OUTER things and symptoms of something deeper. I would rather have people changed from the inside out. I would rather look at people's motivation.  Working hard and being disciplined are best when they come out of a place of conviction and revelation. If you are convinced and passionate about God, you will work hard for the kingdom. If you start with hard work and discipline, you will get harsh religion and legalism--an emphasis on works rather than on faith and love. Or worse...you might work hard to please men and only because other people are watching you and what people expect you to do. ummmm-- NOT what we want church to look like. The fear of man is all about religion--looking good on the outside.

If we want to see real transformation in people's lives from the inside out, people need to  have an encounter with the Jesus who says "Come to me all of you who are are weary and heavy laden..." Jesus describes himself as meek and humble...gentle even. When I started going to church 25 years ago, I didn't meet many gentle people when it came to things of God. I met people who were interested in 1) being right 2) correct theology and 3) following the rules. I rarely heard anyone talk with real affection about Jesus.

If we emphasize the OUTER behavior rather than the heart, we will get religious people who don't understand the reality of God. We will produce people who are fairly proud and interested in pleasing other people by their good works.  If we take a look at Jesus and are motivated by who He is and what He is like, we will see Christians who are also loving and gentle and motivated by pleasing God as a response to His love.

What motivates you and me to do what we do is key. If we are not motivated by who Jesus is, we can easily make room for pride. God says he resists the proud but gives grace to the humble(James 4:6) In fact, God hates pride. When we emphasize all we can do apart from God, we can easily look down on others who are not doing enough.  In a list of things God hates he listed "haughty eyes."(proverbs 6:17)

Is it any wonder that God hates a proud look or countenance? We, who have so little, believe we have achieved so much and puff ourselves up with our acheivements, with our credentials, with our correct theology, and with our awards. God, on the other hand,  who made the heavens, earth and all things, comes to us in restrained gentleness. He does not come pompously or in grandiosity. He came to this earth in weakness as a baby, as a child, as a teenager, and as a man. He limited Himself and hid his great strength so that he could reach us and be with us and show us how to live.

This great God is truly like no one else. That's why I love Him. That's why I'm captured by His heart and his goodness.

If there is a message I would preach from the front...it wouldn't be  "work harder" or have discipline...it would be "see God for who he really is."  This is the greatest investment of your life and time--to see this beautiful God with all your heart. To know you need Him. He invites you to come and lay your burden down. Learn from Him in his gentle way. He doesn't push or pry or manipulate. He invites and welcomes and accepts us as His sons and daughters.

But it takes a humble heart. You have to know that you are needy. That's what babies are like... needy and dependent. God can do something with that.

Michah 6:8

Micah 6:8

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord
                require of you but to do justly, and to love kindness  and
                mercy, and to humble yourself  and  walk humbly with your God? (Micah 6:8 AMP)
Loving kindness, mercy and walking humbly.

This doesn't actually sound like the world we live in.

We live in a world where we have to "make things happen" and "fight for what you want" and we are encouraged to be "go getters."  Maybe it's a little different in the UK but the USA is all about the moving and shaking.  Making your voice heard. Sometimes in our going and getting and moving and shaking, we can run over people.

Most of you know this scripture in Micah 6:8.  We had a song we used to sing with these words when I was in high school...a beautiful catchy song with an echo and I still love it.

I was sitting in church on Sunday when the confession was made and there are parts of the Anglican confession taken from this scripture. As soon as I heard it, the words went into my heart and spirit. I couldn't stop crying as we continued to worship.

A lot of things have been piercing my heart these days. As part of my sabbatical I decided to take my mornings with God. And God has His finger on various parts of my life. Sometimes it's just good fellowship and sometimes I feel like He is showing me more of my life that has to change.

He wants to transform me.

So I'm sitting in church weeping and it hits me. And as I have continued to meditate on this scripture, it keeps hitting me.

You see, I am not the most kind person you ever met.  I don't think that is the adjective people use most to describe me. It was not something I grew up with very much. Some of you are laughing because you know it's true. I don't have a gentle style.  I have an intense, challenging style, and my aim has always been to be authentic. However, I  have had a tendency, especially in the past, to be forceful or strong about my opinions.  Sometimes that is ok, but here's where I'm beginning to "get it" so to speak.

When I need to confront something that I see is wrong or not working well...I don't have to push my opinion or my will. Here's why.

God has called me to do what is right according to this scripture. That means that my example needs to be good. If I want to teach anyone the right way, I'd better be living it. I need to make my life a model. That means I don't respond in the same spirit as the rest. I can respond with truth and love even when I'm being mistreated. So my example must be right.

Secondly, I have to love mercy and kindness.  That means the manner in which I do what is right has to be loving and kind towards people.  It is all about helping other people grow into maturity, not about me winning an argument or proving my point. And God is not going to fall off the throne because I wasn't able to make people "see the light" so to speak. God has to move on people's hearts. I may be persuasive and I may win an argument but I may have either 1) lost the relationship or 2) not convinced the person in their hearts of what is true. So what would be the benefit of winning? I will have lost anyway.

Thirdly, I can walk in humility because I live my life before God.  I am free to serve others and to humble myself and my opinions and ideas before other men because I don't have to prove anything to anyone. And I am not responsible to make others see truth. I am responsible to God and to trust in Him that He will do it. I can humble myself because I know and trust God. And He is worthy of this behavior.  He is worthy of my service. He is worthy of my humility and so I can serve you in my desire to serve Him.  That's what He wants and He deserves it all. It becomes a much easier thing when I realize that in loving and humbling myself to you I am loving and humbling myself to Him.

Maybe you know all this but it felt like it went that much deeper into my heart this last week.

Do what is right-- be an example more than SAY what you think!

Love mercy-- be gracious, and compassionate towards people--it's not about you! It's about people growing and they are more likely to grow when we love them kindly!

Humble yourself before God-- He will make a way! He will do it. I can humble myself to the God who holds all things together. I don't have to protect myself or prove anything to any man. My God is with me.

This all equals FREEDOM.

I guess this is revolutionary because if we get a hold of this, we will have fewer church splits, fewer broken relationships, fewer offenses, and more unity as we grow together.  There  would be a lot less division if we could live Micah 6:8 and carry it around as a mantra.